“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

The best teacher in the world is that friend who teaches you everything 20 minutes before an exam.

Wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She’s at the doctor’s now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Husband! Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar…

Teacher! Explain Newton’s law of motion.

Don’t break anybody’s heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206.

Student: Would you punish me for smoothing I didn’t do?